Delayed Joy
Okay, okay - my last blog was a total cliffhanger. Sorry not sorry. I was actually hiding in the bathroom from my one month old heinously crying and was hit with major mom guilt. Needed to cut it a bit short.
After the first test was positive, of course we took 3 more tests, because - statistics? Like the first one being 99.9% accurate was not accurate enough. We were just in total shock. We did the math a bit...
It was the first day home from our honeymoon. I calculated back to my last period - definitely a month and 3 days before that, and the test shows as early as 4 weeks. Holy crap, we got pregnant the day I got back from my bachelorette party. (Apparently I really missed him while we were gone. ;) )
The news settled in a bit and immediately Cj was over the moon. For me, it was a different kind of feeling because just 2 months before that I had made the decision to start thinking about the potential of having a baby and here we are. Trust me, it’s not that I was upset. It was just a delayed response in comparison to Cj’s overwhelming joy as he already knew he wanted to be a daddy. And I knew he would be the best one...
The delayed joy was never about me not wanting a baby. The delayed joy was because I was terrified that I would never be a good mother. My own mother had abandoned me. I don’t blame her for anything because I feel nothing for her - but I honestly believe she was just created without the gene to share love with others. How did I know I would not turn out to be the same? I did not want to create a life only for him/her to feel unloved by her mother. It was terrifying for me to think about and I struggled with these thoughts for days before saying anything to Cj. What if I was incapable of loving and bonding with someone who relied on me for those things the most of all?
Some days I truly feel sorry for my mother for missing out on the kind of love I could have given her. The day I told Cj my fears about becoming my mother, he quickly put an end to that mindset and I have never revisited it again, as his words were stern and graceful and sincere and I believe what he said with all of my heart. His words were: “Think about your mother. When you see her, think about what it was like when she found out she was pregnant with you. Do you think she worried in those moments that she would not be a good mom to you? No, of course you don’t. Because you are not her. The fact that you worry about not being a good mother, already makes you one.”
Those words have not left me one single time when I was pregnant and all the way through these first few weeks of motherhood. It is amazing to me how much a strong partner can pick you up and carry you when you are weak.
After I got a good, long. cry out - we celebrated in the best way we know how. (No, not drinking! Jeesh, I’m transitioning here!)
After the first test was positive, of course we took 3 more tests, because - statistics? Like the first one being 99.9% accurate was not accurate enough. We were just in total shock. We did the math a bit...
It was the first day home from our honeymoon. I calculated back to my last period - definitely a month and 3 days before that, and the test shows as early as 4 weeks. Holy crap, we got pregnant the day I got back from my bachelorette party. (Apparently I really missed him while we were gone. ;) )
The news settled in a bit and immediately Cj was over the moon. For me, it was a different kind of feeling because just 2 months before that I had made the decision to start thinking about the potential of having a baby and here we are. Trust me, it’s not that I was upset. It was just a delayed response in comparison to Cj’s overwhelming joy as he already knew he wanted to be a daddy. And I knew he would be the best one...
The delayed joy was never about me not wanting a baby. The delayed joy was because I was terrified that I would never be a good mother. My own mother had abandoned me. I don’t blame her for anything because I feel nothing for her - but I honestly believe she was just created without the gene to share love with others. How did I know I would not turn out to be the same? I did not want to create a life only for him/her to feel unloved by her mother. It was terrifying for me to think about and I struggled with these thoughts for days before saying anything to Cj. What if I was incapable of loving and bonding with someone who relied on me for those things the most of all?
Some days I truly feel sorry for my mother for missing out on the kind of love I could have given her. The day I told Cj my fears about becoming my mother, he quickly put an end to that mindset and I have never revisited it again, as his words were stern and graceful and sincere and I believe what he said with all of my heart. His words were: “Think about your mother. When you see her, think about what it was like when she found out she was pregnant with you. Do you think she worried in those moments that she would not be a good mom to you? No, of course you don’t. Because you are not her. The fact that you worry about not being a good mother, already makes you one.”
Those words have not left me one single time when I was pregnant and all the way through these first few weeks of motherhood. It is amazing to me how much a strong partner can pick you up and carry you when you are weak.
After I got a good, long. cry out - we celebrated in the best way we know how. (No, not drinking! Jeesh, I’m transitioning here!)
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